Entitled Honesty (or Why I'm So Restless)

I actually do have another blog post in the works, but I had to spontaneously dash this down to get it off my chest. Hopefully I will get the chance to publish my response to being tagged, finally, this week (thank you Bethany for missing my words - I'm still here!)  But for now..honesty.

I'm sitting here at my desk, waiting for the doctors to download more work for us. I'm simultaneously browsing at least five different web sites, blogs, Twitter, and Facebook. I'm bored. Profoundly bored. Liam is "helping" Brian fold some laundry in the other room, and I'm putting off all the other housework that I should be doing in a slow period at work (although I did just run and take a shower, the first one I've had before 10 pm this week). And this is pretty much what every day looks like. I get up, feed the baby, try to do what needs to be done in the house, and then come to my desk and sit for anywhere between 8 and 12 hours a day. I worked this weekend too, so I've been sitting at this desk every day for 8 days straight now.  While I'm here I work, and browse, and venture into so many other people's lives via their blogs and Tweets and Facebook pages. Then I get up, feed the baby, bathe him and try to get him to sleep, and rush to get to sleep myself before I have to wake up with him (still) in the middle of the night. And do it all over again. And today it strikes me more sharply than usual that I feel sometimes as if my life is slipping away while I read about everyone elses. 

I'm bursting inside with the want to produce - I want to write, read, make things, listen to music, eat, travel, even just get outside in the sunshine while it lasts. I want to live and enjoy the good things in life like conversations, meals, songs, and books. But I'm stuck in this house, at a desk, with headphones shoved over my ears, and it seems sometimes like all the rest of life is shut out. Or passing by outside me. 

I get terribly cold sometimes during the day, even when it is 70 degrees inside the house, and when I think about why, I realize it is because the only parts of my body that move for hours at a time are my fingers and one foot (the pedal that controls the dictaphone). It's really no wonder that (with the help of having a baby) I'm now a staggering 70 pounds overweight.  I've been doing transcription for almost 8 years now, so that's a lot of time spent sitting instead of moving.  That's the nature of my job - I sit at my desk with headphones and a pedal, the radiologists read x-rays, and I type what they say. All day long. Once you've learned the terms, the format, the programs, and the voices, it's the same thing over and over and over again. And I'm bored stiff!!

Yes, I chose this career, or at least chose to continue doing it for all these years.  I love to type and I love words and I am really interested in medicine, and the solitude does suit me much better than it would most people. I know a lot of my friends would have lost their minds after a week of doing what I do, never mind 8 years. It's nice to not have to get up and dress up for work every morning, although I do miss that sometimes too.  And yes, I'm home with my son. But often lately I wonder if working here with him all day is not just as bad as having him in day care. I mean, he sees me, but he cannot understand why Mommy sits at her desk and cannot get up and play with him. I'm honestly a little afraid that he will grow up thinking that a computer was more important than him. It makes me feel neglectful.

If you wonder why I blog so little, when I'm at the desk so much, it's of course because I have to try to stay on task. And when I'm not working, our schedule is still so harried with Brian in school. We both crash, exhausted, at the end of the day without getting done nearly what needs to get done each day. Granted, we're both awful at time management.  Still, I'm longing for the end of the next two years, when Brian has a full time career and no school work and maybe, just maybe, we'll be closer to our family so we can get a little help. These endless days of the same routine (or lack thereof) are wearing on us both.

I talked with Brian a little bit about all of this today. He wants me to go back to school when he is finished. I don't know what I want, except for a little time to think outside the box, or perhaps outside my window.

Disclaimer:  Please don't think I'm Negative Nellie.  My next post, regarding things that I love, hopefully will dissuade you from that opinion.  Today I'm just a woman whose body is at a desk while her mind is on an airplane to somewhere beautiful, or at least perched in the oak tree in the back yard. Today I'm just wishing the two could meet up more often.